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Tuesday, August 15, 2006
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Thursday, March 23, 2006
i really wanted this post to be a cheerful one. i had every intention of posting some amusing anecdote that happened this week or random funny stuff about cts. but i just cant bring myself to do it. and i'm sorry.
everyone seems to have something to be depressed about lately. this isnt directed at anyone at all but it's just a general observation everywhere. i dunno but it just seems to me that everyone has the usual teen problems. appearences, insecurities, dontlikethatperson etc etc. right now i just cant help smiling wryly cuz if these were the only stuff i had to worry about, then i'd probably be a lot more sane haha.
they say that living a good, honest life while minding your own business is what's most important. well i've never heard bigger bullshit before. it certainly got my mum nowhere. and trying to lead that kind of life certainly isnt getting me anywhere. i dont wanna blame my mum, i dont wanna blame anyone. i just wish that i wasnt being used as an avenue for pent up frustration to be released.
i think everything just boiled over on monday when i completely bombed bio. i've never ever gotten anything below a B for any bio examination in my life and boom i'm probably gonna fail this. everything that could go wrong did. and having a mental block didnt help things at all. just couldnt think. too many things to think about...
if i dont do well for cts, then i prob cant get a second spaper and there goes potential scholarship. means that we have to bear the full financial cost of education. which only means nus. and since the only course in nus that remotely interests me is medcine, if i dun get that then i'll have to do something i have no interest in. brilliant way to kick off adult life.
gawddamnit i'm trying my best. i dun blame my mum for anything at all cuz of all she's been through. i try my best to go for class gatherings or other parties, but sometimes i just cant and it's not cuz i'm antisocial. i'm sorry if i seem miserly, but i need that cash. i'm sorry if i'm cynical about life or bitchy but sometimes i just cant keep myself from doing it. i want to shunt all this away and smile and return to that cheerful bubbly dude we're all familiar with but.. well..
i dont care what people say. someday i'm gonna break from all this and leave. and somehow i'll succeed. to become famous. powerful. laugh all you want now. someday. somehow. i'll do it. i'll find a way.